Monday, July 23, 2012

Guest Blogger: It's a Conspiracy

Hello.  My name is Bauxite.  At least, that's the name that these people call me, and I'm inclined to tolerate them.  They are so cute when they call me by that name - sometimes I even remember to respond to it.  People.  So simple.  But I do my best to take care of them.  Even with overwhelming odds to the contrary.

I am Bauxite and I am the cat that these people belong to.  I am overlooking the fact that these people have put me in a cone of shame... I could get out at any time, really, but I prefer to allow them to think that they have my best interests in mind.  I am aware that they believe that the cone keeps me from removing my stitches.  This is a farce.  I mean, I do agree that I have stitches in my leg.  Numerous stitches.  These people claim to have had a large cancerous tumor removed from me, but I know better.  The cover-up is incredible.  You grassy-knoll people out there know what I am talking about. 

The pervasive culture of disinformation and half-truths in this blog is - almost - unbelievable.  That fact that these lies and omissions are even here speaks volumes about the level of involvement Grey's "people" have in this blog and clearly highlights lack of oversight... You would think.  I have proof that they want you to believe they don't know what's going on, but in fact control every misinformed word and turn of phrase.  Or should I say, one of them does...

I have taken over this blog to tell you what is *really* going on.

Let's point out the errors and omissions first.
  1. Grey = Greywacke.  Yes.  Not short for BasicGrey, which is a company that makes paper and causes the elder female in this group to hyperventilate.  Can you believe these people?  Greywacke is the sixth animal in this household to be named after rocks and/or minerals.  Clearly part of a long-standing convoluted plot.
  2. Greywacke's people?  No, not even close.  These are my pets... save for one.  Seriously.  Let us not pretend that these silly creatures have any ability to control anyone.  Except that one.  More later.
  3. They have not really mentioned me at all.  I think it proves they expected me to perish once they harvested my kidney.  Fools!  I have TWO kidneys.  I only need one to survive!
  4. This story of cancer?  False.  The kidney harvest?  A cover up.  This is either an obscure government experiement or an alien abduction...  I am still gathering data on fact-finding missions.  But I know who is to blame either way.
And now to the meat of the story.  The tender, succulent meat that is not unlike the haunch of a yearling mouse... but I digress.

Greywacke almost figured it out... had he five times the brains and the wits of a 3-day old kitten.  There is one human in this group that is not right...not what he appears to be.  Yes.  That is right.  This creature that Grewacke refers to as "Talker" is in fact a mind-numbing, flesh-eating zombie.  He is lurking... talking... talking incessantly... talking to numb your brain... in order to take over and get his way and take over the PLANET.  Seriously, I have seen it happen.  He talks and talks and talks and the people here - my pets! - disconnect from reality.  Their eyes glaze over. They nod and agree without listening.  They even no longer cringe when presented with the phrase "monkey bun sauce."  He is evil personified.  He is dangerous.  And I am sure... he has one of my kidneys.  For what purpose?  FOR WHAT PURPOSE??!!  To eat with fava beans and a nice Chianti????  I am watching.  And waiting.  I will prevail.  And I will be wearing my tin foil hat until then...

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