Tuesday, April 30, 2013

All My Peoples Left the Country and Then Came Back

Yes, it is true.  My peoples and their peoples all left the country.  This means they put me and the bat crazy cat and this new cat in the kennel place and then after a little while came back and got us.  It does not seem to matter what they call this sort of behavior, to us it is always the same.  This time they called it the "leaving the country" words.  Sometimes they call it the "going to Florida" words.  Sometimes they call it the "we are leaving and not taking you with us" words.  And they always act so sad to do this.  And so happy to come back.  And to show everyone pictures.  It seems that they could do all the picture things and skip the kennel place entirely.  Now, I do enjoy that kennel place, but I enjoy being with my peoples more.  Even if all they do is talk about their trip to Belize.

Look!  It is mom-of-Boss, brother-of-Boss, Big One, Talker, Boss, and Player!  They are sitting on very comfortable chairs while they drink the world famous Jet Bar rum punch and wait for their little airplane to take them to an even smaller airport.  Boss says there are 6 gates at this airport.  And that the Jet Bar burned down right after they left to come home.  Brother-of-Boss was unsupervised for an hour although he claims he did not do it.  I do not know if brother-of-Boss can be trusted because he does not feed me cookies.  I encourage him to do trust-building exercises with me the next time he sees me.  Oh, and look at how pale and unpeeling all the skin of my peoples is.  This will change.  And that sentence was foreshadowing.
The first breakfast on the island.  Boss had the priority of taking pictures of food and not the island, so you must wait for that.  This is the "suspense" word.  (I am auditing a writing class so I am learning all of the important parts of story parts.  You will be learning right along with me.  You are much excitedness about that, I think!)
My favorite cookie sharing person is Mr. Larry.  He is going with mom-of-Boss and Willy to find cookies to bring back to me.  It will be a great adventure on the high seas!  Or in the high seas.  Or the low seas.  I am not sure, actually.   However, I am certain that Mr. Larry and mom-of-Boss are going to go under the water to find me cookies.  They are called "sea biscuits".  And that is a factual statement.
Boss caught a fish!  Boss said she was sorry but she ate it and did not bring it back to me to roll on. 
Talker and Player learn how to poke their fingers into fishes.  Talker is not so sure.  Player is totally cool with it.  Or, that is what it looks like anyway.  I think you have to poke your fingers into the fish so you can wave them around and make screaming noises while people try to take your picture.
Player.  Adorableness. 
Brother-of-Boss and Reggie catch little tiny fish to put on big hooks to catch monsterous sized fish.  Like the very scary killer ninja sergeant major fish or the incredibly vicious starfish.  Boss and Big One are still giggling over the funny things that Mr. Larry and mom-of-Boss said while they were sitting around drinking rum punch on the island.  Apparently mom-of-Boss said "I tell you what.  They.  Are.  Vicious."  And she was talking about starfish.  I know, right?  You are impressed with my ability to quote and cite sources.
Mr. Larry.  He is also called the "air sucking dog" words and the "odd-shaped bottom dweller" words.  I do not quite understand if this is good or bad.  But he does look delightfully chewy.
And this is mom-of-Boss.  Also delightfully chewy and probably running in fear from vicious starfish.
This is Big One.  He likes rum.  And rum punch.  And drinking it.
Big One and Player snorkel around the island.  They see lots of fish and Player very loudly hums the "Empire Strikes Back" theme song through his snorkel.  Boss says you can hear it when you get in the water and it is the "ominous" and "foreboding" words.  Boss is very good with her describing words.
This is a baby barracuda.  Apparently very tasty grilled with barbeque sauce. 
Boss does not like to snorkel in deep water with big fish but likes shallow water and little fish that sometimes end up in her swim shirt.  There is no explaining Boss sometimes.  But this is where she liked to hang out and take pictures of things that did not move very much.
Talker.  He told Boss he would not burn and got crabby about not listening.  And then Talker learned his lesson.  His skin peeled right off!  (And it still is, and it tastes delicious.  Do not tell anyone he is feeding it to me.  I could get into a lot of trouble.  Dogs are not supposed to eat peoples.)
Apparently brother-of-Boss sat here and waiting for the show to start every day.  I do not understand this, but I will quote some more for you as an illustrative method:  "Waiting for the show?"  "Yup."  Hm.  This was not really that helpful after all.  But it is another way to tell the story and people seem to like dialog.
The scary deep water that Boss did not enjoy.
And squid!  Boss was moderately happy about that.  But still not a fan of the deeper water snorkeling.  (Big One wishes to point out that it was maybe 6 - 8 feet deep.  But that is plenty deep enough for Boss and she did not like it, not one bit.)
This is Player doing the very delightful dog paddle over a very large brain coral.  (By the way, very is a very overused word and should be avoided lest you sound very not smart and very unable to come up with very descriptive words.  But I am a very independent dog and also very simple and I will use very a very lot if I want.)
Brother-of-Boss draws pictures of what he sees.  Boss says brother-of-Boss has a camera but this is how he rolls. 
Mom-of-Boss and Mr. Larry get their chewy delicious skins on and go back into the sea to find my cookies.
These are lobster and not cookies.  But I think they must be delicious based on the look on the face of Boss when she talks about the fantastic dinner they had that day.
And tortillas are made in a blue bucket by magic.  They were very much wonderfulness and Talker and Player would fight when there was only one left to eat.  Boss would smack them on the head and make them share.  Or give it to Big One.  This is a very good way to teach manners, says Boss.  Or at least a different way to teach manners.
Brother-of-Boss sleeps.  Because 11 hours a night is not enough.
Big One and Boss are on a little tiny island in the middle of the ocean...
... with everyone else.  And they seem to have all the important things like chairs and rum punch.  And a boat.  And they all laughed about something called a "three hour tour" but they were only on the little island for 45 minutes.  (This is the "cultural reference" words.  You would do well to Google that reference if you are confused.  The extra knowledge provided by the "cultural reference" words are supposed to give extra depth and meaning to the story.)
Player on the tiny island with what looks like MY COOKIE!!!!!!!
Awwww....  Big One and Boss.  And yes, that is Boss in a dress.  Maybe the world is going to end after all!  That statement may or may not be foreshadowing.  If it is not, then it is humor.  We will not know which one it is until the world actually ends.  Or does not.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

I Fixed The Blog Posts of Boss, Part 2

So sometimes Boss writes blog posts all by herself for Evalicious and The ScrapRoom.  I think this is cuteness of Boss.  But I secretly am thinking that I could have done a better job of explaining the pictures and writing the words, so I am going to redo the blog posts of Boss here just for you.  I am sure she would appreciate this thoughtfulness by me.  I am very good like that.  In fact, Boss says I am the bestest dog she has ever had, so I am sure this is one of the things that makes me even better than bestest!

If you want to read the words of Boss herself, you can go here for the post about making this pretty-paper-picture-story page.  But it is not that good.  Just saying.  You know that dogs can not lie.  Not ever.

Boss Very Much Overuses the Word "Seriously"

So Boss references this post where she gushes about how much she loved some Evalicious deliciousness.  I think this is the cheating words.  I think is is not very good blogger etiquette to reference yourself when you are writing a blog post.  All the content should be brand new all the time.  But that is only my opinion.  Clearly it is not the opinion of Boss.

Also in the post, Boss says the "seriously" word about five billion times.  I am not exaggerating.  Boss is terrible bad at repeating the same words over and over and over and OVER again.  This is why I generally write most of the blog posts around here.  I know how to properly use words and be concise and manage my content.

Boss explains that she makes a mess of a lot of stuff piled on top of pictures of a mess but somehow her mess is okay and the mess made by Talker and Player and Big One is not okay.  And she used the word "seriously" here.
Boss says the "seriously" word again.  Which I am sure is not surprising to you.  She also says that she used the pink messy stuff because she is a mean person.  I am believing this.
Boss shows the words on the pretty-paper-picture-story page.  Which has the word "seriously" on it a bunch of times also.  Does anyone else find this ridiculousness?
Boss says the "evidence" word here and not the "seriously" word.  I am seriously not believing that.  (Oh, yes, that was written very much sarcastic.  Can you tell?)
Yes, Boss says the "seriously" word again.  It is just bad news when Boss writes her own blog posts.  I am very much apologizing for her, but what can I do?  I am just a very simple dog.

Monday, April 22, 2013

I Fixed The Blog Posts of Boss, Part 1

So sometimes Boss writes blog posts all by herself for The ScrapRoom and Evalicious.  I think this is cuteness of Boss.  But I secretly am thinking that I could have done a better job of explaining the pictures and writing the words, so I am going to redo the blog posts of Boss here just for you.  I am sure she would appreciate this thoughtfulness by me.  I am very good like that.  In fact, Boss says I am the bestest dog she has ever had, so I am sure this is one of the things that makes me even better than bestest!

If you want to read the words of Boss herself, you can go here for the post about making these cards.  But it is not that good.  Just saying.  You know that dogs can not lie.  Not ever.

Boss Makes Cards That Are Not Good Blankets

You know Boss... always looking for some excuse to sit in our hang-out room and not do any of the "cooking" or "cleaning" or "parenting" words.  So Boss made these cards out of scraps that she did not feed to me.  I find this sadness and disappointment, but sometimes Boss is not the best Boss she can be.  But she is trying to be better, I am sure.


So Boss made these cards out of scraps and tried to pass them off as fine art or some such nonsense.  This might have worked, but Boss explained how it was really easy and even if you do a terrible sloppy job all you have to do is put some tasty stuff on top.  And then she summed it all up by saying the "easy peasy" words which really makes me question Boss because really nothing is easy peasy around here.  I know for a fact there was swearing involved.  

And then Boss cuts right to the really long involved directions to make the cards that she claims are the "easy peasy" words.  Either they are the "easy peasy" words or they are not.  They can not be both.  And I know they were not.  Because of the swearing words.
Boss says these are flying geese and that you can make a blanket out of flying geese.  I say nonsense to both of those ideas.  I know geese when I taste them, and this is not them.
Boss says to make square cards because they are frightfully expensive to mail but if you are going to make a card, then you better be prepared to spend some money somewhere.  Because making cards for people means you are secretly cheap, way deep down.  On the other hand (or paw, if you are a very simple dog)... It maybe you have too much paper and you have already spent so much money that more money is not that big of a deal.  I think this is the "good money after bad" words.  These are two very interesting theories for square cards.  Boss does not mention either of these theories.  She says that quilt squares are square so that quilt cards should be square too.  This is not actually that creative.
Boss does math here in her blog post.  I will skip that part and talk about squirrels instead.  I think they would be most deliciousness, but they are also sort of fastish so I do not get to taste them very often.  Actually, never.  I have tasted a squirrel never, but someday I will catch Mr. Red Squirrel unawares when he is going under the side porch and give him a good tasting.
Boss makes envelopes for these cards.  See the theories above about either being cheap or throwing the "good money after bad" words.
As typical for Boss, she spent a ridiculous amount of time making the cards fancy.  It would be faster to teach me to drive, get me a job, and then let me earn enough money to put gas in the car and drive to Hallmark and buy a card.  And then stop at Dairy Queen for an ice cream cone of deliciousness!
A closer look.  Enough already.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Boss Makes Yarn Things Out Of Yarn So She Can Buy More Yarn To Make More Yarn Things

It all started when Boss decided to exercise.  I know, right?  This is ridiculousness.  And when I say ridiculousness, I do not mean that super hilarious show on TV that Player and Talker and Big One adore although Boss says it is garbage.  I do not think it is garbage.  I know garbage when I taste it, and Mr. Dyrdek is certainly not a hamburger wrapper left in the rain or a half-eaten moldy cheese danish in the gutter.  Although I think I would like him anyway.  No, the ridiculousness I am talking about is the fact that Boss and the "exercise" word and the yarn things are all together in this blog post.  Boss is a serious hater of the "exercise" word.  Boss says she would rather watch Ridiculousness (the super hilarious show on TV that Player and Talker and Big One adore although Boss says it is garbage) than do the "exercise" word.  But Boss was trying to win a contest to get smaller, so she decided that the "exercise" word was necessary but evil.  I personally think the "evil" word is a little on the exaggeratedness and overly dramatic side, but that is the word Boss used.  But the whole point of this blog post is yarn things, so do not try to distract me from the story that I am trying to tell.

Boss is not very good at the "willpower" word when it comes to the "exercise" words.  So she devised a purely genius plan.  I personally think the "genius" word is a little on the exaggeratedness and overly narcissistic side, but that is the word Boss used.  But the whole point of this blog post is yarn things, so do not try to distract me from the story that I am trying to tell!  Boss decided to set goals.  Not field goals.  Stop being distracting!  Boss decided to set goals and give herself a prize if she did the goal.  Or got the goal.  Or - whatever.  Boss decided to buy a yarn bowl for doing the "exercise" word for the whole month of January.

And she did it.  And then the yarn things got ridiculousness around here.

This is the yarn bowl thing that become the "epic" word around here.  Boss goes on and on and on and ON about how much of a joy it is to work on yarn things when the yarn sits in a bowl first.  I know, right?  This is so much nonsense, but Boss believes it so she thinks it is true.  I guess the yarn fits in the swirly slot thing and then the ball of yarn can not roll across the floor and then I can not take the ball of yarn and spread it from here to there looking for sheep.  I have looked for sheep many times.  I have not found one yet.  Oh, and the yarn thing in the picture is a washcloth.  All that time and work to make a washcloth (actually, three).  Ridiculousness.
Boss made this belt.  It is done in a technique called "broomstick lace".  It required Mr. Larry and Big One to make broomstick lace needle wood things in the shop at Christmas time.  I was not there, but this is what I heard.  And Boss, mom-of-Boss, and wife-of-brother-of-Boss had to have the broomstick lace needle wood things too.  There is no explaining any of this. 
Boss became so in love with her yarn bowl that she asked Big One to make her a travel bowl.  Before you get all excitedness about this bowl, please be aware that this bowl was actually a wedding gift for mom-of-Boss or something nearly as useless and mom-of-Boss gave it to Boss a while ago because it was not so wonderful.  And sort of useless (but I said that already).  And Boss secretly agreed and shoved it into the bottom of the china hutch.  For I think nine years.  And then somehow Boss remembered it was there and asked Big One to cut it with a swirly shape and make it "smoothie-smooth."  Those are the actual words of Boss.  The other actual words of Boss are this:  "Who knew it was actually a solid walnut bowl?"  She says it is absolutely gorgeous now and Big One even put a sticky thing on the bottom so it sticks to the dashboard of the car.  Boss is that serious about making yarn things everywhere she goes.  And that is not a bowl full of raw hamburger.  Unfortunately, it is only very nice yarn from the wife-of-brother-of-Boss that is being turned into a scarf.
Friend-the-deadly wanted flowers to stick on her pretty-paper-picture-story pages, but did not want to make them herself.  So friend-the-deadly threatened to kill Boss with her little pinkie if Boss did not make the flowers.  Boss cried a little but got right to work on making lots of little flowers.  I would normally protect Boss from mean people like this, but friend-the-deadly is, well, deadly.  I am just a simple dog.  I have limits.
At this point, Boss realized that she was going to be going on a vacation pretty soon and would be taking yarn things with her.  Boss also remembered that dropping a crochet hook thing on the airplane is a sucktastic happening... and then Boss found an idea for making a crochet hook keeper thing.  It was going to be awesomeness.  It was going to have beads and pink and sparkles.  And guess what?  It ended up sucking.  It sucked worse than dropping a crochet hook thing on the airplane.  So Boss took it apart and put it away.  And went to bed.
But the brain of Boss is a marvelous thing.  The brain of Boss came up with a similar but different idea.  And this time Boss got a crochet hook keeper thing that did not suck.  Boss has a most excellent brain.
Here is a close up of the crochet hook keeper thing.  The only part that the brain of Boss figured out all by itself was the yarn and yarn connection part.  And the hanging-of-the-scissors part.  The stitch markers and the crochet hook keeper thing was part of the idea Boss was trying to follow before the pink sparkly bead part got to sucking.
Boss.  And her adorbs purple scarfy thing.  This is the same yarn that was used for the crochet hook keeper thing.  But all fluffled up somehow.
Boss has a weakness for yarn thing patterns right now.  She is consumed with finding the "cutest thing evah!" and then making it.  Boss made this for a few reasons:  Boss wanted a little pursie thing to have on her wrist when she goes shopping.  Boss wanted to play with some leftover yarn that she loved but didn't have very much of (it is the same as what the belt is made of).  And Boss wanted to find something simple enough to teach to friend-the-deadly so the bullying and terrorization can come to end.  Maybe.  Boss is hopeful but teary. 
See?  A credit card, money, and lip gloss is cleverly packaged together so I can taste it all at one time!  Now this is genius.  And that is not an exaggeration.  Or ridiculousness.
Boss shows that the credit card can not fall out because the strap is really quite clever.  Now, before you believe that Boss is really quite clever, you might want to go here and see the pattern that Boss found.  Boss is only clever at finding patterns and copying them.
The little pursie thing is perfect for shopping.  Now go buy me some bacon, woman!  Please?