Boss Is On A Yarn Diet

Boss knew she might have a problem when she went to the store place and came back with bacon and yarn.

Yes.

Bacon.  And yarn.  And Boss did not need these things but she says they are delicious.  And that she could not help it.  And that she might have a problem.

So Boss declared she was going on a yarn diet.  And explained it to Big One.  And Big One said the "oh my" words and then the "that is pretty clever actually" words and then finally the "good idea" words.  So Boss was great happiness.  Until she realized that it meant no more bacon (or maybe not so muchness of the bacon) and no more yarn.  But not forever, no.  Boss will be able to buy the yarn things as she misplaces the weight things from around her belly.  What?  Oh.  Boss says it is more proper to say that she is going to lose weight.  It is apparently not like setting it down and walking away and then wondering where the heck the car keys have gone.  It is more like setting it down and walking away and coming back and wondering where the ham has gone.  I do not know where the ham went.  It must have disappeared somehow. 

But Boss has gotten nostalgic for buying the yarn things (it has been almost 3 weeks of this yarn diet) and has requested a blog post about all the good stuffses that she already has so she can stop doing the "sighing and moping" words and can just focus on putting down the ham so I can disappear it.

So this is what it looks like when Boss goes yarn thing shopping in person.  She found a "lovely lice" near the work place she travels to sometimes.  What?  Oh.  Not lice.  LYS.  I guess this is the shortcut way of saying Local Yarn Shop.  Or Local Yarn Store.  Or Local Yarn Stuffses.  But Boss was great pleasingness when she came home and said that some of it was also on the "sale" words.  "I got Araucania for 60% off!!!!" says Boss. And then she made the "squeeeee" noise. 

And this is what it looks like when Boss goes yarn thing shopping on the internets.  She is in love with Jimmy Beans and wants to marry him, I think.  What?  Oh.  No.  Jimmy Beans is actually a store called Jimmy Beans Wool and it is actually named about a woman, not a man.  I did not know Boss liked the ladies, actually.  What?  Oh.  Boss says to stay on topic.  Okay.  Anyway.  This is the yarn that Boss got because the work place gave her a gift card.  She could have bought bacon, but no.  It was good for anything, so Boss bought the Araucania.  Again.  I think she is in love with the Araucania.  What?  Oh.  Yes, Boss agrees.

And this is what it looks like when Boss goes to the store and comes back with bacon and yarn.  "But it was on clearance!" says Boss.  And sniffles a little.  But Boss knows that using her yarn thing obsession is a good way to focus on the more gooder eating and the delightful exercisingness that Boss wants to do.  However, Boss wishes to point out that gift yarn is still acceptable and to please please PLEASE check out her Amazon.com wishlist.  And buy all the yarn on it.  Because she wants it very muchness, you know.

So now that Boss can not be doing the yarn buying thing, she is actually spending time actually using the yarn she actually already has.  Actually.  This is sock yarn that Boss bought on the "clearance" words again.  She has managed to collect 15 balls of this stuff, which is actually exactly how much she needs for the project she has started.

And this is the project she has started.  It is a very very VERY small shawl wrap thing.  It will cover her hand.  Which will not keep her very warm.  At all.  AT ALL.  What?  Oh.  This very very VERY small shawl wrap thing is actually only 1 part of 45 that will be turning into a very very VERY warm and cozy large shawl wrap thing.  Actually.  And Boss calculates that it will take her until June to get it done, so do not be looking for it to be in any pictures any time soon.  Actually.

So here is Boss working on the very very VERY warm and cozy large shawl wrap thing.  You will see the hook thing wrapped in a very delightful wood chewy thing.  It is very much deliciousness, I am sure!  But Boss gave it back to Big One and said to make it more smoothy-smooth because she has delicate princess skin on her hands and it is unpleasant to hold and feel right now.  I know, right?  And yes, Boss actually said these words.

So this is the plan thing that Boss gave Big One.  She wants all of her hook things wrapped in very delightful wood chewy things.  This is called the "ergonomic" word.  And the "tasty" word!  Boss has declared she wants this for Christmas from Big One and is breaking her rule about her Christmas present being a surprise but she really really REALLY wants this.  Just about as much as the yarn things.  So Big One is frightened of Boss in her yarn obsession and wants to make the princess skin hand person happy and is working on making one of these hook wrap things to test it out.  You probably do not understand how this yarn obsession thing works around here.  It has gotten so bad that Boss has started naming these hook things.  This hook is called "Faina Blue".  It is just like "Faina Green" but it is blue instead of green.  And the hooks are all getting creepy sounding girl names that start with the letter of the hook name thing.  Oh dear God.  Can anyone save us?  This yarn obsession thing may be worse than the organ-harvesting zombie scheme of Talker.

This is another yarn project of Boss.  It is a bunch of scraps of yarn from projects that Boss has worked on this year and they are all joined together and turned into magic balls.  And then Boss took a very old not finished baby blanket that was started for Talker but he is no longer a baby and Boss will not be giving him anything that is white because it will only turn into mess and stains and then she took it apart.  The baby blanket thing.  Not Talker.

And so to make this scrap blanket thing, Boss makes the scraps and the white yarn from the very old not finished baby blanket be combined together.  And furthermore, Boss works on this blanket when she is on the exercise bike thing.  Boss is very motivated on this yarn diet but I know she does not like the exercise bike thing, so I will ring the bell to go outside whenever she gets on this horrible evil very bad no good exercise bike.  And I will do it over and over and over again because Boss loves to let me outside and get off of the bike.  The frowny forehead face is for the bike and not me, I am sure.  Oh and DEAR GOD.  I am told the name of this hook is Matilda.  Which is old German for "powerful battler".  Did I mention the obsession thing?  Yes?  Oh.

And to make matters worse, Boss is already planning a weather blanket thing for 2014.  I know, right?  Boss has committed to make a weather blanket with yarn she does not have.  So she is very much on the bike a lot right now.  I must ring the bell, hold on.  *later*  Okay, I am back.  Boss was very happy to let me out and in and out and in and out and in.  She was muttering under her breath at the evil bike.  She loves me.  What?  Oh.  I did not explain the weather blanket.  The weather blanket (or any other obsessive yarn thing) is made one row at a time to match the whole one day at a time thing that happens in a year.  Every row is made special to match the weather.  Boss has decided that stitches will be types of weather and colors will be temperatures.  And this chart shows what Boss is thinking for temperature. 

And then Boss went and picked out the yarn things.  When she has only earned one yarn thing so far.  But Boss says one yarn thing is better than no yarn thing but also that is why she put seven of these yarn things on her Amazon.com wish list.  Because she thinks she disappear three pounds before the year of 2014 like a very yummy ham, but she is not certain how quickly she will be able to vanish seven more pounds of ham after that.  So she spends much time sighing and moping at this yarn and then goes and rides the bike.  So I can be let outside.

And finally, Boss practices the weather blanket stitches using this perfectly fine yarn thing from her yarn thing box.  But it is not the color Boss wants so it will not be the appropriateness for the project, but it is fun to play with.  So anyway.  When it is sunning out, Boss will make the weather blanket row with the right temperature yarn and the stitch called the "single crochet" words.  It has a code name of "sc" which is also code for "stupid crochet".  When it is great cloudness, Boss will make the weather blanket row with the right temperature yarn and the stitch called the "half double crochet" words.  It has a code name of "hdc" which is also code for "hugely dumb crochet".  And finally, when it is making the precipitation happen, Boss will make the weather blanket row with the right temperature yarn and the stitch called the "trinity stitch" words.  It has a code name of, um.  Nothing, I guess.  Which is good, because I am tired of all this obsessive yarn stuffses.  I am going to use the Google to see if there is a 12-step program for yarn.  Pray for me.

Boss Gets Serious, But Only For A Moment

So every once in a while, Boss decides that she finally has enough stuffses.  And she needs to do something with it to make it all go away.  And does just that.  And then a little while later she decides to buy more stuffses.  And then it starts all over again.  Boss thinks this is normal.  I think this is normal for Boss.  I will not be commenting on the whole "define normal" words.  I think commenting is a very good way to get into a lot of trouble. And I am an expert on trouble!  After I get into trouble, I am very much carefulness to not be naughtiness again.  No more eating belts or chewing backpack straps off.  No.  Not at all.  So I am adorableness.  But then it gets the "boring" word around here and then the "distracted" word happens and before you know it... I have been rooting around in the wool of Boss looking for that sheep. And I may have been attempting to liberate these sheep by chewing off the strap of the yarn carrying thing.  But my trouble/good/trouble cycle is nothing at all like the give it away/buy it/give it away cycle of Boss.  And to distract you from arguing about it, I will be illustrating the favorite ways of Boss to unload the stuffses.

So these are the old yarns that Boss did not love anymore.  Most of them she got a gabillion years ago.  Yes, this would be before I started living here.  I think Boss used to love this yarn, but then she met me, and then finally understood what love was.  Or something like that.  Boss says it is all the fault of the mom-of-Boss for taking her to a yarn shop with wool, and alpaca, and silk, and silpaca.  Which is silk and alpaca mixed together.  But it does not really matter, except that Boss does not love this yarn.  So she gave it to her church.  She says the quilt ladies could use it for ties, and also the preschoolers could cut it all up and put glue on it and take it home and put on their refrigerators.  Boss smiles about this.  I do not understand.  Putting glue on the yarn does not make it much more tastiness.  Oh, and Boss says that if you do not have a church, or your church does not have the yarn kinds of things, you can just take the yarn to a daycare or preschool somewhere else.  Because kids + glue + yarn = universal fun stuffses apparently.

So then Boss got some fancy schmancy yarn but had a hard time using it.  This is very pretty yarn, says Boss, but it is fat and stripey.  Which is not the favorite of Boss after all.  Hey, wait.  I am stripey.  I better not eat that extra treat just in case...

So Boss took this stripey fat fancy schmancy yarn and made a cowl with it.  A cowl is something to do with car engines.  Or airplanes.  Or something like that.  As you can see, Boss is not so good at making engine parts with yarn.  But she tried very very hard.

And here is Boss wearing the engine part.  If you wanted to try to make a fancy engine cover that you could maybe wear to a party or whatever, you could find the pattern here.  But here is the special thing about this engine yarn thing:  it is a pattern that you can use, but you have to make one for the Knitting 4 Peace peoples.  Boss is a big fan of the Knitting 4 Peace peoples (even though Boss only knows the "crochet" word).  So that is another thing you can do with yarn if you do not want to eat it or give it the toddlers to put glue on it.  You can make things for other people to wear.  Just do not tell them it is actually for airplanes.

It is not just the yarn that Boss has gotten all uppity about.  It is also about tasty ribbons and some papers, too.  Boss used to love this ribbon, but it was before I got here.  Again, I propose that Boss had a cold and empty world until I got here, so it was hard for her to understand what the good stuffses really was until I showed her grasshoppers, hamburger wrappers, and dead fish.  But to get back to the tasty ribbon.  Guess what?  Toddlers like sticking glue on EVERYTHING.  YES.  EVERYTHING.  So Boss took this ribbon to the church place and the little glue monsters are very much happiness.

But what if you have papers and ribbons and other stuffses that you still like?  Well, then, silly... you use them.  (I am just a simple dog, but really... did you need me to explain this part to you?)  What?  You can't use that many cards and things?  Boss says yes you can.  No, I can not, you say.  Boss says yes, yes you can.  No, you say.  Boss says yes.  You say no.  Boss says ---  Boss says to stop this nonsense, and she is looking at me.  What?  I am just sitting here typing and I am getting in the trouble.  This is not very fair.  Boss says there are a few things you can do with the cards you make.  This box is full of cards.  (That is not one of the things you can do.)  The first thing you can do is get a list of people from your church that can not get out of their house to go to church.  I do not understand if they lost their door or what, but Boss says some people are the "shut in" words and would love some mail.

But what if you have no "shut in" words?  What if you think writing cards is really hardness work because your hand is broken right off or because you can not find any pens because your boybarian horde has taken them all or because your dog has chewed them up and made an ink spot on the carpet?  (Oh, wait, that is unfairness!  I only did that... uh, well... I guess I did that a few times.  Okay, a lot of times.  A LOT.)  Boss says the other thing you can do is to put all of those cards in a box and send them to Operation Write Home for the hero peoples to use when they are somewhere-not-here but their peoples are home all loneliness without them.  Boss says if you like this idea, go read the rules at Operation Write Home because glitter is very dangerousness.  For reals.

Boss Finally Finishes a Real Nice Yarn Thing... Finally

So you should have heard Boss just go crazy and get all squealy and girly when she finally finished a yarn thing.  And this is not just any yarn thing, this is a yarn thing that is nice.  I mean, really nice.  And that is really all I can say about it, not being much of an expert of the yarn things except that I just know there is a sheep around here somewhere and no matter how often I pull the yarn balls apart I just can not find the sheep.  But it is around here somewhere.  And I will keep looking.  Like you should be looking at these pictures of the really nice yarn thing!

This is the really nice yarn thing in the really nice yarn bowl that Big One sort of made for Boss.  I think I already explained the really nice yarn bowl thing once already, so you will have to just use your very awesomenest memory thing.  This was back when it was winter here and cold and everyone but me was happy.  Dude, I have like almost no hair!  And Boss has big cozy sweaters!  Made of sheep!

Boss takes the really nice yarn bowl everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  This picture looks like she let Player drive the car but it is not true.  He is only 12, which is a very fine age but not for driving apparently.  Boss says Player is going to be "interesting" to see drive as he gets distracted by shiny squirrels and stuff whilst mowing.  (Did you notice that?  I have developed a very delightful british accent!  I said "whilst"!)  Oh, and if you squint really hard, you can see Talker playing baseball in the rain.  Which is why Boss and Player are in the car.  Making a really nice yarn thing.

This is the really nice yarn thing that is somehow a block.  ???  I know.  Apparently Boss was worried and nervous about making the really nice yarn thing blocked and stuff.  But it turns out that it just means getting the really nice yarn thing wet and then letting it dry.  Which seems like a bloody well lot of effort that is unnecessary.  (Hee hee!  I said "bloody" like an english bulldog would!)

The really nice yarn thing.  Again.  Crikey!  (Oh, what?  That is an australian word?  Huh, look at me, I am a bilingual dog!)

Boss.  Hotness.  No, really, literally.  It was like 85 degrees that day.  And that is in fahrenheit.  So I can speak american, too!  Boss would like to point out that she can wear the very nice yarn thing like a scarf, or a cowl, or a very nice yarn thing.  Which seems intuitive to me, but maybe not everyone is as brilliant and trilingual like me. 

P.S.  Boss says you can read more about this very nice yarn thing over at the project page of Boss over at ravelry.com.  If you like very nice yarn things, you will very much like the very nice ravelry.  Blimey!  *snicker*

Boss Makes Yarn Things Out Of Yarn So She Can Buy More Yarn To Make More Yarn Things

It all started when Boss decided to exercise.  I know, right?  This is ridiculousness.  And when I say ridiculousness, I do not mean that super hilarious show on TV that Player and Talker and Big One adore although Boss says it is garbage.  I do not think it is garbage.  I know garbage when I taste it, and Mr. Dyrdek is certainly not a hamburger wrapper left in the rain or a half-eaten moldy cheese danish in the gutter.  Although I think I would like him anyway.  No, the ridiculousness I am talking about is the fact that Boss and the "exercise" word and the yarn things are all together in this blog post.  Boss is a serious hater of the "exercise" word.  Boss says she would rather watch Ridiculousness (the super hilarious show on TV that Player and Talker and Big One adore although Boss says it is garbage) than do the "exercise" word.  But Boss was trying to win a contest to get smaller, so she decided that the "exercise" word was necessary but evil.  I personally think the "evil" word is a little on the exaggeratedness and overly dramatic side, but that is the word Boss used.  But the whole point of this blog post is yarn things, so do not try to distract me from the story that I am trying to tell.

Boss is not very good at the "willpower" word when it comes to the "exercise" words.  So she devised a purely genius plan.  I personally think the "genius" word is a little on the exaggeratedness and overly narcissistic side, but that is the word Boss used.  But the whole point of this blog post is yarn things, so do not try to distract me from the story that I am trying to tell!  Boss decided to set goals.  Not field goals.  Stop being distracting!  Boss decided to set goals and give herself a prize if she did the goal.  Or got the goal.  Or - whatever.  Boss decided to buy a yarn bowl for doing the "exercise" word for the whole month of January.

And she did it.  And then the yarn things got ridiculousness around here.

This is the yarn bowl thing that become the "epic" word around here.  Boss goes on and on and on and ON about how much of a joy it is to work on yarn things when the yarn sits in a bowl first.  I know, right?  This is so much nonsense, but Boss believes it so she thinks it is true.  I guess the yarn fits in the swirly slot thing and then the ball of yarn can not roll across the floor and then I can not take the ball of yarn and spread it from here to there looking for sheep.  I have looked for sheep many times.  I have not found one yet.  Oh, and the yarn thing in the picture is a washcloth.  All that time and work to make a washcloth (actually, three).  Ridiculousness.

Boss made this belt.  It is done in a technique called "broomstick lace".  It required Mr. Larry and Big One to make broomstick lace needle wood things in the shop at Christmas time.  I was not there, but this is what I heard.  And Boss, mom-of-Boss, and wife-of-brother-of-Boss had to have the broomstick lace needle wood things too.  There is no explaining any of this. 

Boss became so in love with her yarn bowl that she asked Big One to make her a travel bowl.  Before you get all excitedness about this bowl, please be aware that this bowl was actually a wedding gift for mom-of-Boss or something nearly as useless and mom-of-Boss gave it to Boss a while ago because it was not so wonderful.  And sort of useless (but I said that already).  And Boss secretly agreed and shoved it into the bottom of the china hutch.  For I think nine years.  And then somehow Boss remembered it was there and asked Big One to cut it with a swirly shape and make it "smoothie-smooth."  Those are the actual words of Boss.  The other actual words of Boss are this:  "Who knew it was actually a solid walnut bowl?"  She says it is absolutely gorgeous now and Big One even put a sticky thing on the bottom so it sticks to the dashboard of the car.  Boss is that serious about making yarn things everywhere she goes.  And that is not a bowl full of raw hamburger.  Unfortunately, it is only very nice yarn from the wife-of-brother-of-Boss that is being turned into a scarf.

Friend-the-deadly wanted flowers to stick on her pretty-paper-picture-story pages, but did not want to make them herself.  So friend-the-deadly threatened to kill Boss with her little pinkie if Boss did not make the flowers.  Boss cried a little but got right to work on making lots of little flowers.  I would normally protect Boss from mean people like this, but friend-the-deadly is, well, deadly.  I am just a simple dog.  I have limits.

At this point, Boss realized that she was going to be going on a vacation pretty soon and would be taking yarn things with her.  Boss also remembered that dropping a crochet hook thing on the airplane is a sucktastic happening... and then Boss found an idea for making a crochet hook keeper thing.  It was going to be awesomeness.  It was going to have beads and pink and sparkles.  And guess what?  It ended up sucking.  It sucked worse than dropping a crochet hook thing on the airplane.  So Boss took it apart and put it away.  And went to bed.

But the brain of Boss is a marvelous thing.  The brain of Boss came up with a similar but different idea.  And this time Boss got a crochet hook keeper thing that did not suck.  Boss has a most excellent brain.

Here is a close up of the crochet hook keeper thing.  The only part that the brain of Boss figured out all by itself was the yarn and yarn connection part.  And the hanging-of-the-scissors part.  The stitch markers and the crochet hook keeper thing was part of the idea Boss was trying to follow before the pink sparkly bead part got to sucking.

Boss.  And her adorbs purple scarfy thing.  This is the same yarn that was used for the crochet hook keeper thing.  But all fluffled up somehow.

Boss has a weakness for yarn thing patterns right now.  She is consumed with finding the "cutest thing evah!" and then making it.  Boss made this for a few reasons:  Boss wanted a little pursie thing to have on her wrist when she goes shopping.  Boss wanted to play with some leftover yarn that she loved but didn't have very much of (it is the same as what the belt is made of).  And Boss wanted to find something simple enough to teach to friend-the-deadly so the bullying and terrorization can come to end.  Maybe.  Boss is hopeful but teary. 

See?  A credit card, money, and lip gloss is cleverly packaged together so I can taste it all at one time!  Now this is genius.  And that is not an exaggeration.  Or ridiculousness.

Boss shows that the credit card can not fall out because the strap is really quite clever.  Now, before you believe that Boss is really quite clever, you might want to go here and see the pattern that Boss found.  Boss is only clever at finding patterns and copying them.

The little pursie thing is perfect for shopping.  Now go buy me some bacon, woman!  Please?

Boss Makes Yarn Things; also, Talker Is Not an Attractive Model

I have seen this.  Both of these.  And they are true.  But I will show you so you can be in the judgement of these things yourself.

While Boss was in the laying around doing nothing phase of the "surgery" word, she made many yarn things.  Apparently Boss is also the "hoarder" word when it comes to yarn because she seems to have a lot of yarn that does nothing except get looked at and held and then put away for someday.  But apparently the "someday" word was last week because all those yarns came out and sat in a bucket and got poked at by Boss when she was not napping.  And apparently Boss collects yarns in twos, or she thinks there is a flood coming, or she can not just buy one of anything, or maybe all of those things.  Because there were two yarns of each kind.

And if you ask Boss what she will be making with these yarns in twos she says she does not know but she will figure it out eventually.  This means looking at magazines and making parts of yarn things and then taking the yarn things apart.  And also looking at books and making parts of yarn things and then taking the yarn things apart.  And also even looking at yarn thing patterns found with Google and making parts of yarn things and then taking the yarn things apart.  This can go on for quite some time until Boss forgets to take the yarn things apart and accidentally finishes using the yarn.

But that is okay, because then Boss says it is done and she likes it and then reaches for more yarns.

A bag made with horrible scratchy sparkle yarn and delightfully soft, yet not very tasty, wool.  I thought I smelled a sheep but I could not find it.  I looked very hard though.  I spread the wool out on the floor.

A girly flower.  Boss seems to think this bag might be a boy bag if she does not add the flower.  I think a boy would not want the bag even if it did not have a flower.  I am pretty sure about this.

Boss is delighted at the tiny stitches of the horrible scratchy sparkle yarn and scalloped edge of the not very tasty wool.

Talker is not an attractive model.

This is what Boss is calling a cowl.  Or, a scarf that turned out too short.

Boss says this is a very easy pattern (dc 7, ch 3, turn) but difficult yarn.  I think Boss is showing off with the numbers and letters and actually does not have any idea what she is talking about.  She does not even know how to text.

Talker is not an attractive model.

This is a curly scarf.  I know.  I am the master of the obvious.  This is what happens when Boss gives too much instruction and does not let me just write the blog posts how I want.  I am reduced to writing captions that add nothing to the post whatsoever except for word count.  And I am not getting paid by the word, so it is silly.  In fact, I am not getting paid at all.  AT ALL.  But I have just been reminded that I am doing this because I love my people.  Even when they make me write useless captions.

The curly scarf even closer.  Boss says it is worked on the long edge and reminds her of the octopus doll the Mom of Boss made.  And then Boss gets a happy smile on her face and then wonders what happened to that octopus.  It was pink, she says.

Talker is not an attractive model.

These are the yarns that were used for the cowl and the curly scarf.  Boss says they were fun but annoying to take apart a lot.  But she did it anyway.

Boss tried to make lace.  Boss thinks she is maybe not meant to make lace.  Boss thinks lace might be dumb.

A closer look at the dumb lace.