Thursday, November 7, 2013

Boss Is On A Yarn Diet

Boss knew she might have a problem when she went to the store place and came back with bacon and yarn.


Bacon.  And yarn.  And Boss did not need these things but she says they are delicious.  And that she could not help it.  And that she might have a problem.

So Boss declared she was going on a yarn diet.  And explained it to Big One.  And Big One said the "oh my" words and then the "that is pretty clever actually" words and then finally the "good idea" words.  So Boss was great happiness.  Until she realized that it meant no more bacon (or maybe not so muchness of the bacon) and no more yarn.  But not forever, no.  Boss will be able to buy the yarn things as she misplaces the weight things from around her belly.  What?  Oh.  Boss says it is more proper to say that she is going to lose weight.  It is apparently not like setting it down and walking away and then wondering where the heck the car keys have gone.  It is more like setting it down and walking away and coming back and wondering where the ham has gone.  I do not know where the ham went.  It must have disappeared somehow. 

But Boss has gotten nostalgic for buying the yarn things (it has been almost 3 weeks of this yarn diet) and has requested a blog post about all the good stuffses that she already has so she can stop doing the "sighing and moping" words and can just focus on putting down the ham so I can disappear it.

So this is what it looks like when Boss goes yarn thing shopping in person.  She found a "lovely lice" near the work place she travels to sometimes.  What?  Oh.  Not lice.  LYS.  I guess this is the shortcut way of saying Local Yarn Shop.  Or Local Yarn Store.  Or Local Yarn Stuffses.  But Boss was great pleasingness when she came home and said that some of it was also on the "sale" words.  "I got Araucania for 60% off!!!!" says Boss. And then she made the "squeeeee" noise. 
And this is what it looks like when Boss goes yarn thing shopping on the internets.  She is in love with Jimmy Beans and wants to marry him, I think.  What?  Oh.  No.  Jimmy Beans is actually a store called Jimmy Beans Wool and it is actually named about a woman, not a man.  I did not know Boss liked the ladies, actually.  What?  Oh.  Boss says to stay on topic.  Okay.  Anyway.  This is the yarn that Boss got because the work place gave her a gift card.  She could have bought bacon, but no.  It was good for anything, so Boss bought the Araucania.  Again.  I think she is in love with the Araucania.  What?  Oh.  Yes, Boss agrees.
And this is what it looks like when Boss goes to the store and comes back with bacon and yarn.  "But it was on clearance!" says Boss.  And sniffles a little.  But Boss knows that using her yarn thing obsession is a good way to focus on the more gooder eating and the delightful exercisingness that Boss wants to do.  However, Boss wishes to point out that gift yarn is still acceptable and to please please PLEASE check out her wishlist.  And buy all the yarn on it.  Because she wants it very muchness, you know.
So now that Boss can not be doing the yarn buying thing, she is actually spending time actually using the yarn she actually already has.  Actually.  This is sock yarn that Boss bought on the "clearance" words again.  She has managed to collect 15 balls of this stuff, which is actually exactly how much she needs for the project she has started.
And this is the project she has started.  It is a very very VERY small shawl wrap thing.  It will cover her hand.  Which will not keep her very warm.  At all.  AT ALL.  What?  Oh.  This very very VERY small shawl wrap thing is actually only 1 part of 45 that will be turning into a very very VERY warm and cozy large shawl wrap thing.  Actually.  And Boss calculates that it will take her until June to get it done, so do not be looking for it to be in any pictures any time soon.  Actually.
So here is Boss working on the very very VERY warm and cozy large shawl wrap thing.  You will see the hook thing wrapped in a very delightful wood chewy thing.  It is very much deliciousness, I am sure!  But Boss gave it back to Big One and said to make it more smoothy-smooth because she has delicate princess skin on her hands and it is unpleasant to hold and feel right now.  I know, right?  And yes, Boss actually said these words.
So this is the plan thing that Boss gave Big One.  She wants all of her hook things wrapped in very delightful wood chewy things.  This is called the "ergonomic" word.  And the "tasty" word!  Boss has declared she wants this for Christmas from Big One and is breaking her rule about her Christmas present being a surprise but she really really REALLY wants this.  Just about as much as the yarn things.  So Big One is frightened of Boss in her yarn obsession and wants to make the princess skin hand person happy and is working on making one of these hook wrap things to test it out.  You probably do not understand how this yarn obsession thing works around here.  It has gotten so bad that Boss has started naming these hook things.  This hook is called "Faina Blue".  It is just like "Faina Green" but it is blue instead of green.  And the hooks are all getting creepy sounding girl names that start with the letter of the hook name thing.  Oh dear God.  Can anyone save us?  This yarn obsession thing may be worse than the organ-harvesting zombie scheme of Talker.
This is another yarn project of Boss.  It is a bunch of scraps of yarn from projects that Boss has worked on this year and they are all joined together and turned into magic balls.  And then Boss took a very old not finished baby blanket that was started for Talker but he is no longer a baby and Boss will not be giving him anything that is white because it will only turn into mess and stains and then she took it apart.  The baby blanket thing.  Not Talker.
And so to make this scrap blanket thing, Boss makes the scraps and the white yarn from the very old not finished baby blanket be combined together.  And furthermore, Boss works on this blanket when she is on the exercise bike thing.  Boss is very motivated on this yarn diet but I know she does not like the exercise bike thing, so I will ring the bell to go outside whenever she gets on this horrible evil very bad no good exercise bike.  And I will do it over and over and over again because Boss loves to let me outside and get off of the bike.  The frowny forehead face is for the bike and not me, I am sure.  Oh and DEAR GOD.  I am told the name of this hook is Matilda.  Which is old German for "powerful battler".  Did I mention the obsession thing?  Yes?  Oh.
And to make matters worse, Boss is already planning a weather blanket thing for 2014.  I know, right?  Boss has committed to make a weather blanket with yarn she does not have.  So she is very much on the bike a lot right now.  I must ring the bell, hold on.  *later*  Okay, I am back.  Boss was very happy to let me out and in and out and in and out and in.  She was muttering under her breath at the evil bike.  She loves me.  What?  Oh.  I did not explain the weather blanket.  The weather blanket (or any other obsessive yarn thing) is made one row at a time to match the whole one day at a time thing that happens in a year.  Every row is made special to match the weather.  Boss has decided that stitches will be types of weather and colors will be temperatures.  And this chart shows what Boss is thinking for temperature. 
And then Boss went and picked out the yarn things.  When she has only earned one yarn thing so far.  But Boss says one yarn thing is better than no yarn thing but also that is why she put seven of these yarn things on her wish list.  Because she thinks she disappear three pounds before the year of 2014 like a very yummy ham, but she is not certain how quickly she will be able to vanish seven more pounds of ham after that.  So she spends much time sighing and moping at this yarn and then goes and rides the bike.  So I can be let outside.
And finally, Boss practices the weather blanket stitches using this perfectly fine yarn thing from her yarn thing box.  But it is not the color Boss wants so it will not be the appropriateness for the project, but it is fun to play with.  So anyway.  When it is sunning out, Boss will make the weather blanket row with the right temperature yarn and the stitch called the "single crochet" words.  It has a code name of "sc" which is also code for "stupid crochet".  When it is great cloudness, Boss will make the weather blanket row with the right temperature yarn and the stitch called the "half double crochet" words.  It has a code name of "hdc" which is also code for "hugely dumb crochet".  And finally, when it is making the precipitation happen, Boss will make the weather blanket row with the right temperature yarn and the stitch called the "trinity stitch" words.  It has a code name of, um.  Nothing, I guess.  Which is good, because I am tired of all this obsessive yarn stuffses.  I am going to use the Google to see if there is a 12-step program for yarn.  Pray for me.


  1. Hi, I didn’t see an email on your blog. Can you email me so I can ask you a question about being a dog? :p

    1. Well, gosh! I am really excitedness about all of this! Boss gave me the long silent look and then said she would set up an email account for me!!!! OH BOY!!!!! But then she did the reminding thing about that internet problem I had with the french poodle website so she said that I was going to have to be closely supervised with my emails. I think this is unfair as that website was really not that good.

      But also I should say that any dog can tell you about being a dog. You should ask your dog your very good and smart and clever questions! And if you do not have a dog, you need to go rescue one on the immediatelyness. IMMEDIATELYNESS. Because a dog would love you for that.

      But I will still send you an email because I am so so so so so so SO excited that Boss will set me up with an account!!! So watch for it. I will be giving her the puppy-dog eyes until it is done and I will be very cuteness and good for as long as possible afterwards. Yes I will!